The 12 Trusts
Upon my honor…1. I will develop my life for the greater good.
2. I will place character above riches, and concern for others above personal wealth.
3. I will never boast, but cherish humility instead.
4. I will speak the truth at all times, and forever keep my word.
5. I will defend those who cannot defend themselves.
6. I will honor and respect women, and avoid sexism in all its guises.
7. I will uphold justice by being fair to all.
8. I will be faithful in love and loyal in friendship.
9. I will abhor scandals and gossip-neither partake nor delight in them.
10. I will be generous to the poor and those who need help.
11. I will forgive when asked, that my own mistakes will be forgiven.
12. I will live my life with courtesy and honor from this day forward.
By adhering to these 12 Trusts, I swear to partake in the living Quest in everything I do.
* * * * * * * *
The foregoing is from ChivalryNow.
* * * * * * * *
The following are my ideas for a mentoring program: (I plan to take some acolytes on a bike and camping tour to formally seek out good deeds to perform. In addition I will promote the idea of neighborhood mentoring programs.)
The basics of the curriculum (for the age group 18 thru the mid 20's) include the following:
1) In depth study of each of the trusts (@ one per week plus the conclusion and initial orientation = 14 weeks.) Weekly execution of practicum (putting into practice what is learned) is required.
2) Fire, water, shelter, flora, fauna, tracking, and other survival topics. Discussions and applications as appropriate to time and circumstance and as practical to camp life.
3) First Aid and CPR.
4) Orienteering and situational awareness training.
5) A martial art and physical training.
6) Reading requirements: Chivalry-Now; Silent Knight; and I also recommend Psycho-cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz.
7) The Spiritual Quest. Individual course of development, dictated by the issues within each student.
The method of instruction that I will use is to illicit group participation. In this way individual contributions to discussions will cover most of the knowledge base and, as discussion leader/facilitator, I will ensure that gaps are filled as I am able. Teaching the student How To Learn is most important of all.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The following is an outline for Planning Community Academies of Knighthood and the Chivalric Arts (a neighborhood mentoring program.)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
START WITH A GROUP ROSTER.
Invite a few others to join you and make a roster of names. You’d probably like your best friends involved, specifically those with sons. Your son’s friends and their dads are obvious choices as well. Among these men, one ought to be well grounded and spiritually (read attitudinally) mature. (As a side benefit to your vision for the boys, you may consider a father in need of mentorship himself; one struggling in his lack of a set of ideals, in his manhood, or in his role as mentor to his son.) Finally, reach out to one or two fatherless boys. I can’t say enough about the need in this area.
Single moms are always among those interested in the subject. Their interest is not so much in what they can do for their boys, but where to find men to step in on behalf of the missing father.
So what size is right for your group? That’s where individual needs and circumstances come in. Are you fired up to reach as many boys as you can? Go for it! Invite 10 or 12 or 20 boys plus any men involved in the lives of these boys. The caution here is to not overstretch yourself and get lots of help (and here I cannot say enough about the international online forum of Chivalry Now and that particular brotherhood.) If you prefer a smaller, more intimate group: you, your best friend and your two sons? Fine. But don’t forget your son’s best friend and his dad.
And I’ll bet by now you’ve got a fatherless boy’s name in mind. I’m sure you’ve thought of at least one in your circle of influence. So don’t leave him out. He needs your help.
A GROUP NAME
Next, give your group a name. If you’d like to pick a name on your own, that’s your prerogative. Or you can Identify yourself with the International Fellowship of Chivalry-Now (with permission of their governing body)
If you’d rather, you can wait to choose a group name until your first meeting and allow the guys to be involved in selecting a group name. This may help ensure the unity necessary for such a group.
SCHEDULE
The next planning issue for a mentoring group: decide on a routine schedule. Give everybody a schedule they can mark on their calendars and plan for. This will help keep other activities from bumping your group meetings out of their busy schedules (Not completely, but it will help). Decide also how often you’ll meet. Weekly would be ideal. But good luck fitting a weekly mentoring group into the array of school, athletic and other extra curricular activities that help kids get into colleges and earn scholarships. It’s hard to compete with them. Friday evening is usually for partying so this could and probably should replace that draw. Or meet for about five hours in the afternoon after church. Just be committed to this schedule until the boys leave home some day. You should decide ahead of time how long you plan on meeting together. You may decide to initially commit to a year or even three months at a time, then reassess as you go.
MEETING PLACE
There is no limit to the variation for this part of your plan. You can meet at homes, churches, schoolyards, parks, gyms, ranches or other private acreage. When Steve Chapman offers 10 Things I Want My Son to Know in his book by that name, he suggests, “From the backyard with little children to the remote mountains of faraway places with young adults, God’s creation is an incredible way to inform kids about their Maker.”
Another element to add to your location – a campfire. Jeremy V. Jones shares this in an article titled Bonding in the Backcountry: “There’s nothing quite like a campfire to get men talking. Starring into glowing embers beneath a canopy of stars has a way of moving a man’s soul beyond the mundane and onto the ultimate issues of life. Even the most tight-lipped male may find himself steeped in discussion deep into the night.”
One Squires group meets at a 16 acre private home with open country surrounding the property. They have open fields, thick woods, a wet weather creek and a spot for a large campfire. I understand this option is not available to everyone. However, the more people you share your mentoring story with, the more resources may be offered to use for this wonderful cause. Talk around and you may be surprised at what people may offer.
A FORMAL COMMITMENT
This is the last, but possibly the most important element of the plan. As much as possible, every individual, from youth to adult, must make a formal pledge to stay committed to the group and to the vision. Inform the single moms of the level of commitment you are making to her son and the commitment you expect from him (and her). Specifically ask her to help her son stay the course. Consider putting this pledge in writing and expecting all participants to sign. Periodic reminders will be required to help keep the commitment level up.
Keep in mind, not all are likely to persevere. So much of our culture draws us into a harried schedule; many scheduling conflicts will arise for most involved. Often, we are so distracted with life’s activities; many plans get forgotten – left off the calendar. Lack of organization skills may also be the culprit for the absence of many.
There are some creative ways to help your fellow mentors and squires stay committed. Periodic phone contact is most effective. This works well for a small group. For larger groups, email reminders may prove to be effective, although many do not have or check email. RSVPs are helpful; you know who plans on coming or not. You also know by a lack of response, which members could use a special call as a reminder and encouragement. You can encourage the adult men to stay involved just by telling them how much you appreciate their participation. Finally, some of the young men may become disinterested and pull away from their commitment to the group. If you continue to reach out to these youth, even when they seem disinterested, you may be the one they turn to when they need someone down the road. Perseverance is key.
EXECUTING THE PLAN
The first issue – who’s in charge? Well, you’re probably the guy initiating this whole thing; so, I guess that’s you. But you might consider calling yourself “the facilitator” and expect the other men to take turns planning, leading and teaching. In fact Facilitators might be a correct title for all of the men. I really think this shared leadership would communicate to the boys that all of the men are in this together; each with a vested interest; each with a bit of wisdom and experience to offer. If you share the leadership burden, a monthly routine would require each of you to plan, lead and teach three or four times a year, depending on the number of men involved and the frequency of meeting. After all, the Round Table itself is an ideal we aspire to.
ACTIVITIES
Each meeting should include a planned activity that will bond men and boys together. The boys will look forward to the meetings; eager to rough it up and get dirty, compete and take risks, and most important, bond as men. For Boy Scout meetings and team sport practices, this activity is already built into the program. And young men benefit greatly as they learn scout craft and survival skills.
I believe the most effective teaching activity the squires and their knights can participate in is the charitable exercise of doing good deeds, as in cleaning that yard for the old lady down the block, eradicating that graffiti on the walls of that store, or … something meaningful and for someone or group of some ones who deserve a good deed done for them or who have a grave need. Doing the good that so greatly needs doing in our communities is the aim and purpose of the mentoring program.
SET OF IDEALS
A well-defined set of ideals is very important. It gives direction to your mentoring plan, it facilitates moment-by-moment teaching and it defines day-to-day behavior. Your group’s set of ideals (code of conduct, character traits, masculine roles; whatever you want to call them) will be your group’s foundation. It will set parameters, establish expectations, define roles, create a common language, and guide you and your boys together. I recommend the 12 Trusts of Chivalry Now for the comprehensive approach to the ideals of ethical behavior.
TEACHING TOPICS FOR SQUIRES
The Twelve Trusts of Chivalry Now are also twelve teaching topics, or character traits, that are a “set of ideals.”
Add basic scout craft (How many ways are there to build a camp fire without matches, Bic or Zippo?) and First Aid with CPR. Perhaps you would add other topics appropriate to the path toward authentic adulthood.
6 ADVANCED TOPICS
With three powerful words buried right in the middle, a sentence written by the Apostle Paul also offers a central theme for mentorship into manhood – "act like men." 1 Corinthians 16:13-14: “Be on your guard, stand firm in the faith, act like men; be strong. Do everything in love.” At first glance, you might see five teaching topics. I’ll point out a sixth.
Be on your guard; powerful advice for facing temptations from the world, from those who would tempt you to bad behavior and from your own selfish desires.
Stand firm in the faith; Cling to the trustworthy foundation of solid principles that expound the way of Chivalry, and service to a purpose greater than ourselves.
Act like men; our central theme. From this we address our roles and responsibilities as acolyte, servant, husband, father, patriarch, spiritual leader, servant-leader, provider and protector.
Be strong; a masculine trait for blessing the women and children in our lives.
Do everything in love;
“Do” is the hidden topic - offering an exhortation to be doers – proactive and assertive rather than passive or reactive.
“Everything in love” sums up the way of Chivalry
TEACHING TOOLS
Once you have established a set of ideals, (The Twelve Trusts of Chivalry-Now for example) memorize them. Help and encourage all involved to do the same, men and boys alike. With your set of ideals, you will have a common reference for guiding your boys toward manhood.
In an interview with Robert Lewis, he referred to this use of manhood reference words as a “common language.” These are words generally not in the normal vocabulary of young men, words like manhood, spiritual leader, wisdom, and courage. In fact, these are words generally not in the vocabulary of today’s older men, either. But once you have developed a common manhood language with your sons, mentoring can happen with hardly an effort or thought.
With your new common language, you can plan group discussions covering the topics in your set of ideals. You can instruct the squire with purpose. You can teach with authority ... and in your teaching you can “show integrity, seriousness and soundness in speech that cannot be condemned…”
The Chivalry-Now website is filled with plenty of reading material expanding on the 12 trusts. The book Chivalry-Now the code of male ethics, should be required reading, together with Silent Knight and Raising a Modern Day Knight.
A final point for the group mentoring method: It is paramount that proper behavior expectations be made absolutely clear. Respect from the boys must be established from the beginning. A line should be drawn, defining acceptable behavior, establishing authority, and promoting respect for property. This line should define black from white, no gray area. These expectations should be accompanied by realistic consequences for noncompliance - consequences to be carried out with consistency.
If these behavior boundaries are established early and enforced consistently, every aspect of your group mentoring effort will benefit. The boys don’t consciously know this, but they want these boundaries and want to know that someone is in charge.
If you’re going to demand respect, you must first command respect. There’s a big difference. Commanding respect is different than ordering someone to respect you. It means you must act in a manner deserving respect. Even though they may not act like it, kids today are very teachable. They want advice and guidance, but they will not listen to just anyone; they will only listen to someone they respect. We need to be the men whom our boys look up to and respect; otherwise we will not be able to reach them. One of the keys to becoming a father who is worthy of respect is being a father who shows respect.
SOMETHING IN COMMON
Often, the roadblock for relationship between the generations is described this way: “We have nothing in common.” The answer is to establish common experiences, a common language (as the language of Chivalry), and have a common vision (knighthood).
KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR
Imagine a beautiful maiden waiting for her knight in shining armor. She longs for a man of courage and integrity, a true gentleman, a Godly man. One who has persevered as a squire, now fully trained as a knight.
Does this young man exist only in fairy tales? No … he is real, he is relevant, he is our future. And he is in your hands today.
Commit yourself to the twelve trusts. Become the example of the kind of man you want your son to emulate.
Commit to mentorship. Commit to your son, to other fathers and sons; commit to the fatherless.
Teach authentic manhood to the boys on the team, in the troop, at the school or at church. Or … create a formalized mentoring program that rivals (if not surpasses) your best project at work.
Then Execute!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
From Dean Jacques: Author of Chivalry Now, a code of male ethics.
Some suggestions:
You might consider the first tryout for a shorter period of time, like 6 sessions that can then be extended if people want, with a ready-made curriculum for 6 more sessions. This makes their commitment easier to give at first, since they really don’t know what to expect. I also like smaller groups. 8 to 20 people. Ask them to tell what they are looking for at the first meeting.
Or, how about a 7 week commitment. The first as introduction, and then cover one of the first 6 Trusts per week. The latter 6 can be an enticement for another 7 week session, covering the remaining Trusts, a summation, and a where do you go from there.
1 or 2 hours per meeting would probably be enough at first. The meetings can run over if the dynamics call for it. Better to leave them at a high point where they want more, then when they’ve had too much.
The campfire idea is excellent.
Asking for commitment is very important, but not too soon. They have to know what you are doing and feel comfortable with it. We want them to be cautious and discerning. I also think that the commitment must be to themselves, and made only when they are fully ready, or they will break it. The quest is not the same for everyone.
What you say about words is so true. I find it interesting how, from a chivalric point of view, it is easy to speak of justice, truth, defending others, and courtesy. Most of the time these words are pretty much avoided and sound out of place (not cool). While in touch with your moral center, however, they sound just right and usually strike a chord in others. It is a natural source of authority that echoes inside us all. I think.
Realistic consequences can mean many things to different people. Keep it safe and civil, and always remember that we are measured constantly by our actions.
We are in the business of waking people up to their own moral completeness.
My wife and I went to a meeting last night in a huge circular tent across the river that serves as a non-profit spiritual center. We were discussing a particular book that I was familiar with. It did not take long before I knew that the group was not for us. It was New Age based. What really turned my wife off was how one person continued to dominate the discussion and talk about himself, whom he was obviously infatuated with. As a moderator, you have to make sure that certain people do not turn things into their own therapy session, with everyone else as an audience. Yes, it is good to get people to express themselves honestly, and even emotionally when the moment calls for it, but controls have to be set to keep things from running amok.
Dean
* * *
The First rule for every learner: Shut your mouth and pay attention.
In order to engage brain, put mouth in neutral.
And don't interrupt. Listen carefully.
Otherwise get out and don't bother the others who know how to learn.
** ** ** **
* * * * * * * *
The following are my ideas for a mentoring program: (I plan to take some acolytes on a bike and camping tour to formally seek out good deeds to perform. In addition I will promote the idea of neighborhood mentoring programs.)
The basics of the curriculum (for the age group 18 thru the mid 20's) include the following:
1) In depth study of each of the trusts (@ one per week plus the conclusion and initial orientation = 14 weeks.) Weekly execution of practicum (putting into practice what is learned) is required.
2) Fire, water, shelter, flora, fauna, tracking, and other survival topics. Discussions and applications as appropriate to time and circumstance and as practical to camp life.
3) First Aid and CPR.
4) Orienteering and situational awareness training.
5) A martial art and physical training.
6) Reading requirements: Chivalry-Now; Silent Knight; and I also recommend Psycho-cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz.
7) The Spiritual Quest. Individual course of development, dictated by the issues within each student.
The method of instruction that I will use is to illicit group participation. In this way individual contributions to discussions will cover most of the knowledge base and, as discussion leader/facilitator, I will ensure that gaps are filled as I am able. Teaching the student How To Learn is most important of all.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The following is an outline for Planning Community Academies of Knighthood and the Chivalric Arts (a neighborhood mentoring program.)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
START WITH A GROUP ROSTER.
Invite a few others to join you and make a roster of names. You’d probably like your best friends involved, specifically those with sons. Your son’s friends and their dads are obvious choices as well. Among these men, one ought to be well grounded and spiritually (read attitudinally) mature. (As a side benefit to your vision for the boys, you may consider a father in need of mentorship himself; one struggling in his lack of a set of ideals, in his manhood, or in his role as mentor to his son.) Finally, reach out to one or two fatherless boys. I can’t say enough about the need in this area.
Single moms are always among those interested in the subject. Their interest is not so much in what they can do for their boys, but where to find men to step in on behalf of the missing father.
So what size is right for your group? That’s where individual needs and circumstances come in. Are you fired up to reach as many boys as you can? Go for it! Invite 10 or 12 or 20 boys plus any men involved in the lives of these boys. The caution here is to not overstretch yourself and get lots of help (and here I cannot say enough about the international online forum of Chivalry Now and that particular brotherhood.) If you prefer a smaller, more intimate group: you, your best friend and your two sons? Fine. But don’t forget your son’s best friend and his dad.
And I’ll bet by now you’ve got a fatherless boy’s name in mind. I’m sure you’ve thought of at least one in your circle of influence. So don’t leave him out. He needs your help.
A GROUP NAME
Next, give your group a name. If you’d like to pick a name on your own, that’s your prerogative. Or you can Identify yourself with the International Fellowship of Chivalry-Now (with permission of their governing body)
If you’d rather, you can wait to choose a group name until your first meeting and allow the guys to be involved in selecting a group name. This may help ensure the unity necessary for such a group.
SCHEDULE
The next planning issue for a mentoring group: decide on a routine schedule. Give everybody a schedule they can mark on their calendars and plan for. This will help keep other activities from bumping your group meetings out of their busy schedules (Not completely, but it will help). Decide also how often you’ll meet. Weekly would be ideal. But good luck fitting a weekly mentoring group into the array of school, athletic and other extra curricular activities that help kids get into colleges and earn scholarships. It’s hard to compete with them. Friday evening is usually for partying so this could and probably should replace that draw. Or meet for about five hours in the afternoon after church. Just be committed to this schedule until the boys leave home some day. You should decide ahead of time how long you plan on meeting together. You may decide to initially commit to a year or even three months at a time, then reassess as you go.
MEETING PLACE
There is no limit to the variation for this part of your plan. You can meet at homes, churches, schoolyards, parks, gyms, ranches or other private acreage. When Steve Chapman offers 10 Things I Want My Son to Know in his book by that name, he suggests, “From the backyard with little children to the remote mountains of faraway places with young adults, God’s creation is an incredible way to inform kids about their Maker.”
Another element to add to your location – a campfire. Jeremy V. Jones shares this in an article titled Bonding in the Backcountry: “There’s nothing quite like a campfire to get men talking. Starring into glowing embers beneath a canopy of stars has a way of moving a man’s soul beyond the mundane and onto the ultimate issues of life. Even the most tight-lipped male may find himself steeped in discussion deep into the night.”
One Squires group meets at a 16 acre private home with open country surrounding the property. They have open fields, thick woods, a wet weather creek and a spot for a large campfire. I understand this option is not available to everyone. However, the more people you share your mentoring story with, the more resources may be offered to use for this wonderful cause. Talk around and you may be surprised at what people may offer.
A FORMAL COMMITMENT
This is the last, but possibly the most important element of the plan. As much as possible, every individual, from youth to adult, must make a formal pledge to stay committed to the group and to the vision. Inform the single moms of the level of commitment you are making to her son and the commitment you expect from him (and her). Specifically ask her to help her son stay the course. Consider putting this pledge in writing and expecting all participants to sign. Periodic reminders will be required to help keep the commitment level up.
Keep in mind, not all are likely to persevere. So much of our culture draws us into a harried schedule; many scheduling conflicts will arise for most involved. Often, we are so distracted with life’s activities; many plans get forgotten – left off the calendar. Lack of organization skills may also be the culprit for the absence of many.
There are some creative ways to help your fellow mentors and squires stay committed. Periodic phone contact is most effective. This works well for a small group. For larger groups, email reminders may prove to be effective, although many do not have or check email. RSVPs are helpful; you know who plans on coming or not. You also know by a lack of response, which members could use a special call as a reminder and encouragement. You can encourage the adult men to stay involved just by telling them how much you appreciate their participation. Finally, some of the young men may become disinterested and pull away from their commitment to the group. If you continue to reach out to these youth, even when they seem disinterested, you may be the one they turn to when they need someone down the road. Perseverance is key.
EXECUTING THE PLAN
The first issue – who’s in charge? Well, you’re probably the guy initiating this whole thing; so, I guess that’s you. But you might consider calling yourself “the facilitator” and expect the other men to take turns planning, leading and teaching. In fact Facilitators might be a correct title for all of the men. I really think this shared leadership would communicate to the boys that all of the men are in this together; each with a vested interest; each with a bit of wisdom and experience to offer. If you share the leadership burden, a monthly routine would require each of you to plan, lead and teach three or four times a year, depending on the number of men involved and the frequency of meeting. After all, the Round Table itself is an ideal we aspire to.
ACTIVITIES
Each meeting should include a planned activity that will bond men and boys together. The boys will look forward to the meetings; eager to rough it up and get dirty, compete and take risks, and most important, bond as men. For Boy Scout meetings and team sport practices, this activity is already built into the program. And young men benefit greatly as they learn scout craft and survival skills.
I believe the most effective teaching activity the squires and their knights can participate in is the charitable exercise of doing good deeds, as in cleaning that yard for the old lady down the block, eradicating that graffiti on the walls of that store, or … something meaningful and for someone or group of some ones who deserve a good deed done for them or who have a grave need. Doing the good that so greatly needs doing in our communities is the aim and purpose of the mentoring program.
SET OF IDEALS
A well-defined set of ideals is very important. It gives direction to your mentoring plan, it facilitates moment-by-moment teaching and it defines day-to-day behavior. Your group’s set of ideals (code of conduct, character traits, masculine roles; whatever you want to call them) will be your group’s foundation. It will set parameters, establish expectations, define roles, create a common language, and guide you and your boys together. I recommend the 12 Trusts of Chivalry Now for the comprehensive approach to the ideals of ethical behavior.
TEACHING TOPICS FOR SQUIRES
The Twelve Trusts of Chivalry Now are also twelve teaching topics, or character traits, that are a “set of ideals.”
Add basic scout craft (How many ways are there to build a camp fire without matches, Bic or Zippo?) and First Aid with CPR. Perhaps you would add other topics appropriate to the path toward authentic adulthood.
6 ADVANCED TOPICS
With three powerful words buried right in the middle, a sentence written by the Apostle Paul also offers a central theme for mentorship into manhood – "act like men." 1 Corinthians 16:13-14: “Be on your guard, stand firm in the faith, act like men; be strong. Do everything in love.” At first glance, you might see five teaching topics. I’ll point out a sixth.
Be on your guard; powerful advice for facing temptations from the world, from those who would tempt you to bad behavior and from your own selfish desires.
Stand firm in the faith; Cling to the trustworthy foundation of solid principles that expound the way of Chivalry, and service to a purpose greater than ourselves.
Act like men; our central theme. From this we address our roles and responsibilities as acolyte, servant, husband, father, patriarch, spiritual leader, servant-leader, provider and protector.
Be strong; a masculine trait for blessing the women and children in our lives.
Do everything in love;
“Do” is the hidden topic - offering an exhortation to be doers – proactive and assertive rather than passive or reactive.
“Everything in love” sums up the way of Chivalry
TEACHING TOOLS
Once you have established a set of ideals, (The Twelve Trusts of Chivalry-Now for example) memorize them. Help and encourage all involved to do the same, men and boys alike. With your set of ideals, you will have a common reference for guiding your boys toward manhood.
In an interview with Robert Lewis, he referred to this use of manhood reference words as a “common language.” These are words generally not in the normal vocabulary of young men, words like manhood, spiritual leader, wisdom, and courage. In fact, these are words generally not in the vocabulary of today’s older men, either. But once you have developed a common manhood language with your sons, mentoring can happen with hardly an effort or thought.
With your new common language, you can plan group discussions covering the topics in your set of ideals. You can instruct the squire with purpose. You can teach with authority ... and in your teaching you can “show integrity, seriousness and soundness in speech that cannot be condemned…”
The Chivalry-Now website is filled with plenty of reading material expanding on the 12 trusts. The book Chivalry-Now the code of male ethics, should be required reading, together with Silent Knight and Raising a Modern Day Knight.
A final point for the group mentoring method: It is paramount that proper behavior expectations be made absolutely clear. Respect from the boys must be established from the beginning. A line should be drawn, defining acceptable behavior, establishing authority, and promoting respect for property. This line should define black from white, no gray area. These expectations should be accompanied by realistic consequences for noncompliance - consequences to be carried out with consistency.
If these behavior boundaries are established early and enforced consistently, every aspect of your group mentoring effort will benefit. The boys don’t consciously know this, but they want these boundaries and want to know that someone is in charge.
If you’re going to demand respect, you must first command respect. There’s a big difference. Commanding respect is different than ordering someone to respect you. It means you must act in a manner deserving respect. Even though they may not act like it, kids today are very teachable. They want advice and guidance, but they will not listen to just anyone; they will only listen to someone they respect. We need to be the men whom our boys look up to and respect; otherwise we will not be able to reach them. One of the keys to becoming a father who is worthy of respect is being a father who shows respect.
SOMETHING IN COMMON
Often, the roadblock for relationship between the generations is described this way: “We have nothing in common.” The answer is to establish common experiences, a common language (as the language of Chivalry), and have a common vision (knighthood).
KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR
Imagine a beautiful maiden waiting for her knight in shining armor. She longs for a man of courage and integrity, a true gentleman, a Godly man. One who has persevered as a squire, now fully trained as a knight.
Does this young man exist only in fairy tales? No … he is real, he is relevant, he is our future. And he is in your hands today.
Commit yourself to the twelve trusts. Become the example of the kind of man you want your son to emulate.
Commit to mentorship. Commit to your son, to other fathers and sons; commit to the fatherless.
Teach authentic manhood to the boys on the team, in the troop, at the school or at church. Or … create a formalized mentoring program that rivals (if not surpasses) your best project at work.
Then Execute!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
From Dean Jacques: Author of Chivalry Now, a code of male ethics.
Some suggestions:
You might consider the first tryout for a shorter period of time, like 6 sessions that can then be extended if people want, with a ready-made curriculum for 6 more sessions. This makes their commitment easier to give at first, since they really don’t know what to expect. I also like smaller groups. 8 to 20 people. Ask them to tell what they are looking for at the first meeting.
Or, how about a 7 week commitment. The first as introduction, and then cover one of the first 6 Trusts per week. The latter 6 can be an enticement for another 7 week session, covering the remaining Trusts, a summation, and a where do you go from there.
1 or 2 hours per meeting would probably be enough at first. The meetings can run over if the dynamics call for it. Better to leave them at a high point where they want more, then when they’ve had too much.
The campfire idea is excellent.
Asking for commitment is very important, but not too soon. They have to know what you are doing and feel comfortable with it. We want them to be cautious and discerning. I also think that the commitment must be to themselves, and made only when they are fully ready, or they will break it. The quest is not the same for everyone.
I’m glad you realize that not everyone will stay the course. I have been very disappointed in the past when people I felt close to for such a long time suddenly withdrew. It taught me to be more cautious in my appraisals, which is why we put the Path to Knighthood on hold. When you give the accolade to someone who then rejects you, it is a painful experience. It makes you wonder if it is possible to evaluate candidates over the Internet. So please, be prepared. I don’t want you to lose even an ounce of your optimism.
Volunteer work is a great idea. Be sure to give them a sense of identity first, and discuss behavioral guidelines that they will hopefully find within themselves.
What you say about words is so true. I find it interesting how, from a chivalric point of view, it is easy to speak of justice, truth, defending others, and courtesy. Most of the time these words are pretty much avoided and sound out of place (not cool). While in touch with your moral center, however, they sound just right and usually strike a chord in others. It is a natural source of authority that echoes inside us all. I think.
Realistic consequences can mean many things to different people. Keep it safe and civil, and always remember that we are measured constantly by our actions.
We are in the business of waking people up to their own moral completeness.
My wife and I went to a meeting last night in a huge circular tent across the river that serves as a non-profit spiritual center. We were discussing a particular book that I was familiar with. It did not take long before I knew that the group was not for us. It was New Age based. What really turned my wife off was how one person continued to dominate the discussion and talk about himself, whom he was obviously infatuated with. As a moderator, you have to make sure that certain people do not turn things into their own therapy session, with everyone else as an audience. Yes, it is good to get people to express themselves honestly, and even emotionally when the moment calls for it, but controls have to be set to keep things from running amok.
Dean
The First rule for every learner: Shut your mouth and pay attention.
In order to engage brain, put mouth in neutral.
And don't interrupt. Listen carefully.
Otherwise get out and don't bother the others who know how to learn.
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